Healing

Healing is a very broad topic that can mean many things. Healing from illness whether that be mental or physical health, childhood-related trauma, accident-related trauma, and plenty of other scenarios. It can also be as simple as wanting to heal and grow into a better person. In my case, that's just it. It’s a never-ending process which I hope everyone will find comfort in after reading this. You don't have to break to change your life. There is a place for everyone to grow and improve. Healing isn't supposed to be some big and scary project, it's a an exciting journey of small steps, and the purpose of me writing this, is to encourage everyone to start.

Everyone’s healing looks different, and the process is specific to each person. I knew I needed to heal when I sat with my emotions and realized I didn’t want to be scared of my own mind. I also wanted to have a clear vision of who I was to myself and other people. We have the power to change and grow and become a better version of ourselves every day, and I was ready to take advantage of that.

I’m about to share the things I’ve learned so far in my unique process. As I’m talking in past tense it’s important to remember that these are things I’m still actively working on, not things I’ve overcome. Some days are harder than others and slip-ups always happen, but again, it’s all part of the process.

I’ve never been the type of person to kill someone with kindness. Every time that advice was given to me, I’d roll my eyes. How can you be so nice to someone who did you so wrong? Why do they deserve the kindness I’m not receiving? Now I finally have an answer. They haven’t healed from something, they are hurting, and they are projecting. That’s why we need to be careful not to take anything personally. (This is arguably one of the hardest things I've had to learn!!) Whoever it is that’s trying to hurt you, is simply not in tune with their own emotions enough to do anything other than lash out. And guess what? I’ve been that person! The person who lashed out, the person who didn’t think before they spoke, the person who intentionally put someone else down because they let their hurt get the best of them. It’s HARD to be the bigger person when you aren’t ready to be. So I get it, I get wanting to scream and swear and wish the worst on everyone who’s ever hurt you. They aren’t bad people, they are hurting people. I know sometimes sympathy is the last thing you want to give a bully, but it's easier when you realize they are not their emotions. Just like you aren’t yours. Nobody wants to be defined by their worst moments.

I’ve started to feel bad for people who treat me poorly. The angry client at work, a frustrated friend, or the person flipping me off on the freeway. As someone who gets a little road rage myself, it only ever surfaces when something else is pushing it through. It’s like my brain doesn’t have enough space to hold in another frustration so it lets one go. A “last straw” moment. I know I’ve been in these positions, and it’s an annoying place to be. Maybe that angry client just got laid off from their job, maybe that frustrated friend is going through family troubles, maybe that person flipping me off on the freeway is late for something important. You have to assume nobody is intentionally trying to hurt you, and if they are, it’s not your problem to solve.

The inner work I’ve been doing has shaped me to be a better version of myself. I walk around happier, I get over things quicker, and I feel inspired to share how with others. I’m an emotional being, always have been, and always will be. What’s different now, is I’m able to work through my emotions backward to find the root of the problem. When I get offended, irritated, or upset, a subconscious string gets pulled. My mind is trying to tell me that there is a deeper meaning as to why I’m so emotionally affected by the situation. I find myself getting bothered over things that don’t seem like a big deal, and that’s because what I’m upset about isn’t directly related to what others can see. It comes from a place that’s hard for even me to find. Once I pinpoint what exactly it is, I can start working through it.

I’ve become fascinated by my own ability to do this, and it happened pretty naturally after I started taking care of my mental health. I’ve done so much reflection that I’ve started to enter a stage of mindfulness that has seemed so far away from me.

With mindfulness comes intuition, and with intuition, comes trust. If something isn’t for me, my body will tell me. The trust comes into play when you act on these intuitions. It’s when you need to ask the question, “Do I trust my intuition enough to help me make this decision, and will I have enough support within myself to guide me through the outcome?” If the answer is no to both, there’s work to be done. You can try it with small experiments. Next time you get a gut feeling about something, check in with yourself. Listen to what your body is trying to tell you, and make your next decision based on that. If what you decided to do ends up being in your best interest, you’ll be able to recognize that gut feeling when it comes around again. It takes trial and error to build that relationship with yourself.

Healing can feel so vulnerable, it’s like unlocking different versions of yourself you didn’t know existed and introducing them to the rest of you. You’re meeting your weaknesses, your flaws, your imperfections, and your past mistakes. It seems scary, but not being able to identify these things is a form of denial. Denial is so real and so powerful and you could be in it without even knowing. We want to be able to speak highly of ourselves to manifest the best versions of ourselves. Fake it till we make it, speak it to see it, but manifesting is more than just wishing and hoping. You have to be in a healthy state of mind to receive the things you want. The universe won’t hand you things until you’ve proven your readiness. It takes work. Inner work.

This next thing I wanted to bring up is so so important. Before I get into this topic I thought I should start with something I wrote a while back. Call it a poem, words of wisdom, or just pieces of advice, but I wrote it knowing I would need to refer back to it as needed.

•••

Forgiveness is not always a two-person game

Asking someone for forgiveness is just as vulnerable as forgiving another

You are not who you were then

They are not who they are now

If you believed you’ve grown

Give them the same credit until proven otherwise

People aren’t the problem

The environment is the problem

Our stage of life is the problem

Our mental state is the problem

Humans are not their emotions

Or their mistakes

There is always space left to grow

You are is still learning, understanding, and navigating this life just as much as the next

We should allow ourselves to forgive without intent

As if there’s no chance of gaining something back

Getting an answer shouldn’t be your ticket to validation

Which seems backward when asking entails a response

Become brave enough to receive rejection

Be strong enough to move forward

Accepting forgiveness without permission isn’t selfish

It’s an act of self-respect

Take accountability

Forgive them

Forgive yourself

Even if it’s the last step of the process

•••

I have always been labeled as “too forgiving” in my family. I grew up with a Dad who told me to never burn bridges. Forgive, but don’t forget. Yet on the other hand, I grew up with a mom who taught me to not let people walk all over me. A fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me type of deal. It was hard to find a balance between the two, but I’m grateful for both lessons. Although I tended to lean to the more forgiving side, I now see it has always been for the wrong reasons.

I forgave easily because it's exhausting holding a grudge. I still feel that way. I let people treat me horribly because they knew they could get away with it. I tricked myself into thinking I could forgive some of these people when deep down I was still hurting and worried something would happen again. I never fully had it in me to forget, but I tried my hardest because I got something out of it. Having friends, being invited places, and a reputation of being the bigger person. I would later understand that being too nice isn't always in my best interest. It's an invitation for people to walk all over you.

I can still recall the look on my mom's face after coming home from school to update her on the newest drama. She’d roll her eyes every time I’d say “Oh we are friends again.” "Oh, that silly situation that had me crying every night and made me sick to my stomach? I'm over that! Today is a new day! Let's move on." As I’m specifically referring to middle school and high school me, I feel like this has always been in my nature. Had I learned earlier that there is a way to forgive differently, I would have saved myself a lot of anxiety, and life would have felt a little easier. What matters now, is that it does feel easier, I've cracked the code.

I’ve chosen to forgive without gain. As mentioned before, we forgive people or ask for forgiveness in exchange for something back. A friendship, a relationship, a reputation. If we stop ourselves from expecting something, the risk of being disappointed goes down. It’s like writing a letter to someone and burning it. You can forgive someone silently, without even letting them know. Forgiveness can look like many different things. Distance, friendship, peace. It gives you the freedom to decide your relationship rather than have it be defined by the original problem.

So yes, I am still the girl that’s “too forgiving”. I don’t have room to hold grudges. I understand it’s unrealistic to not let certain past situations affect me anymore, but I can truly say it feels good to give it a chance not to. I’ve decided to eliminate negative feelings as best I can and let in growth, healing, and good people, and that feels a lot better.

With forgiveness comes accountability, which is also vulnerable and scary. The first step in growing from any situation is taking responsibility for the role you played. If you had a negative impact on someone, it doesn’t matter if what you think you did was right or wrong, everyone’s feelings are valid. What matters is apologizing for the hurt that was caused. Most of the time, the intention isn’t to hurt someone, it’s just an unfiltered reaction or defense mechanism. There is always an underlying reason as to why we do or say certain things we don’t actually mean. That’s why it’s important to dig deeper into your emotions. The more you take a step back and evaluate what you are feeling before you speak, the less you have to apologize and take accountability for.

I wanted to avoid using the word “embarrassing” to describe what it feels like to admit you were wrong, but it’s hard not to. Something I’ve recently taken accountability for was something I’m not proud of and it was hard to step back into that place of emotions I felt when I did it. When I was starting to apologize, I felt humiliated. It didn’t sound like something I would do now, and I don’t know how I was ever a person that could. Then I realized the feeling of embarrassment is a sign of growth. It was a sign that I was able to provide a sincere apology because I truly meant it. I was uncomfortable, anxious, and I felt ashamed. I realized I had really hurt this person and I was given the opportunity to explain myself. I was careful not to make excuses for my behavior, but rather explain what was going on mentally and what I really wish I could have said instead of what I actually did.

I was lucky enough to be heard out and that I had this chance to grow. It was a huge step for me in my healing process. Having hard conversations is something I’ve had to overcome these last few months. I’ve always expected the people I love to communicate with me and tell me if things are wrong, and then I realized I wasn’t able to reciprocate it. I would have rather sat in silence feeling sad about something than speak up and fix the problem. Doing this played a part in my sudden lashing out. One frustration too many, and I would explode with anger. Again, saying words I don’t mean due to unsolved past issues. Hard conversations are so important to have with people you want to keep relationships with, and I’m still learning how to be comfortable having them.

I’m trying to get comfortable with a lot of things. Letting myself feel my emotions, while also keeping them from consuming me. Some days, it’s hard to find that balance. It’s hard not to fall back into old habits, and surrender to negative thoughts. Healing doesn’t always feel like you’re getting better. It can feel like the exact opposite actually, but that means it’s working. You are doing something right if you feel out of your comfort zone. That’s when the real test starts. You have to make that conscious decision to either give up or use everything you’ve learned to come out of it a better person. Once you’ve disciplined yourself enough to choose the second option, it will become a habit. You’ll want to keep choosing to grow because it’s rewarding. You will notice a difference in yourself and you will want to keep chasing that feeling. I know I do.

Sometimes it seems as though I’m not aligning with the people I thought would be in my life forever. I’ve learned to trust the process and people will come and go along the way. Sometimes it comes full circle, and sometimes there isn’t even a circle, to begin with.

As I’ve mentioned earlier, I’ve started to learn how to get to the root of my problems. I’m becoming aware of what I’m really scared of, what makes me anxious, and what causes negative reactions. The secret is to dig deeper. Keep asking yourself why you feel a certain way until you can’t go any further. This normally isn’t an “in the moment” type of realization. It comes with time, meditation, journaling, or whatever it is that brings you mindfulness.

The best way I can describe this is through my experience. I always thought I was a decently confident person. I’ve never struggled with major body image issues, and I never really put myself down for my looks with the exception of a normal amount of teenage insecurity. I was lucky enough to be surrounded by loved ones who always reminded me of my beauty and talent. Those words were so powerful in a way that I never extremely doubted them. Though I did and still do lack confidence in other things that right now seem impossible to overcome.

I am extremely insecure about my intelligence. I’ve learned to blame the schools I’ve gone to, the teachers, and the education system, but it really is to nobody’s fault but my own. Barely even that. I’ve managed to get good grades in school, and I was proud of that, until learning that most of my peers were enrolled in honors and AP classes. I started thinking my achievements meant nothing if they weren’t up to the standards of my friends. When I did decide to challenge myself with harder classes, I didn’t perform well. I passed all of my classes but failed out of important tests. I was embarrassed and confused. To this day I still can’t figure out if I was trying to prove something to myself or try and impress others. Maybe it was a little bit of both. The worst part was I couldn’t even blame it on anything. I don’t have any diagnosed attention problems, or memory issues, my brain just works differently.

Ever since then, I’ve been particularly sensitive to remarks made about my intelligence. I knew within myself that I wasn’t as smart as most people around me, and trying to hide it made me feel more embarrassed. To my surprise, it seems to be something people are very comfortable pointing out. Which is why I’ve become very selective with my words when it comes to talking to others. Phrases such as “How do you not know that?” Or “Everybody knows that” is extremely hurtful. Even just a snicker makes me feel stupid. It pulls that subconscious string I talked about earlier. It seems like a harmless statement until it’s said to the wrong person.

Let’s go back to the word “stupid”. I grew up being taught that this was a bad word and I will forever see it as such. I used to have a bad habit of “dismissing” my knowledge by saying “Sorry, I’m stupid”. As if my being aware I was “stupid” made it feel less embarrassing. This habit started to make that negative trait part of who I thought I was. Even jokingly admitting it made me feel worse about myself.

My confidence issues in this category were just recently discovered through meditation. The “why” questions and having to push myself into deeper thought was how I got my answer. Without pushing myself and getting to that uncomfortable state of mind, I never would have learned where that lack of confidence was coming from. You can phrase these questions in any form.

“What am I really scared of?”

“Why did that hurt me?”

“Why do I feel this way?”

“Where is this thought coming from?”

Repetition is where you’ll find your answer.

Sometimes I think I’m a fraud, teaching while still learning. There have been days while writing this that I feel I’ve gone backward in progress. Slip-ups will always happen, it’s being aware of the slip-up that’s progress in itself. I’ve gone through ups and downs the past few weeks and I ended up asking myself, “If I can’t practice what I preach then what does that say about me?” Well, it means that I’m human. Nobody is an expert, because like I said, healing is a never-ending process.

While making an effort to master the things mentioned, I have unlocked different challenges to overcome. Some of these branch off from things I'm already working through, and some are brand new. Even writing this has opened up my eyes to new concepts to try, and new insight into my own brain.

I feel like a character in a book. Every day lived, is a new chapter in my story. Every new situation, experience, and challenge, adds more character development. Mindfulness and meditation are like re-reading the pages over and gaining a new perspective. I can change the course of my story any time I want, I can add and subtract new characters, and I can create a plot twist. We are all surrounded by 7 billion different stories

I’m so happy to be working on this new version of myself. The one that will show up tomorrow trying to be a better person than yesterday. The one who invests time and conscious learning into themselves. The one that strives to be surrounded by people who want to do the same things.

Healing is exciting, scary, vulnerable, empowering, rewarding, and so, so worth it.