SELF LOVE <3

oh hiiiii, okay so this post is a little on the personal side. I get a little deep and vulnerable but this is the first idea in months that I have felt the need to share. Not so much an idea, but more of a realization.

I haven't felt this passionate about sharing something even if it might be a little scary to put out to those who actually read this. (Not many i'm assuming) but still pretty scary. So now that I've over-hyped the actual meaning of this entry, imma just get into it.

I'm just going to start out with what I just barely finished writing in my journal, word for word. So here goes nothing:

May 16th

sooo i'm sitting here in my room crying at 11:12 PM about... well kind of a lot of things but one thing in specific is really getting to me. I just came downstairs from a gathering my mom was having where I basically got bombarded with advice and compliments from her friends. (And i'm not complaining, the advice was great. Leave it to strangers to give you wise words before you leave for college.) But it just made me want to cry. Like the tears where you feel so overwhelmed with joy and you wonder what you did to deserve it. It made me want to cry because i'm just confused how I can receive so much love from people I just barely met and have them tell me how naturally beautiful, and talented, and "perfect" I am. But when it comes to people in my generation, you aren't "naturally beautiful" until you've used fake tan, or starved yourself, or gotten your eyelashes done so you don't need to use mascara. I have been struggling recently with how I feel about my body. This is kind of new to me because iv'e always tried to be positive but now that i'm seeing people with the "perfect" or "ideal" body everywhere I look, scroll, or search, it's really starting to get to me. There are things I don't like about myself. My stomach isn't flat, I have a double chin when I look down, I have bumps on my skin. But now it's not just my body, it's my face. The way I smile, how I always claim my face is crooked, the freckle under my eye that everyone mistakes as mascara (surprise). There is always something to criticize. That's why I get so confused how others disregard that and call me beautiful. And by others, I mean my mom, my dad, my step-dad, and my sisters. Not that it means less than if it were coming from someone else, but it's easy to see your own child as beautiful when your job is to make them feel loved.

I think I have lost love for myself.

Iv'e never really payed attention to beauty standards, but the more respect I lose for myself and my body, the more I want to look up pictures of Madison Beer, and Hailey Bieber, and Gigi Hadid, to justify my feelings. I know everyone can be their "own kind of beautiful" but it's hard to except that when your beauty feels less beautiful than others. I want to learn to love myself again. I want to do things that build up my confidence because I know that's the only way I will feel like myself again and maybe even a better version. It really is true what they say, "You have to learn to love yourself before you can truly love others". Because to love others, is to except the love they give you, but how can you do so without believing it yourself. Compliments don't mean a thing unless you truly feel the same way about yourself. I'm excited to go through this process and if you are reading back on this, I hope you have learned to love yourself and continue to.

with love, your past self.

SO. Lets talk about this. I know I sound repetitive but I didn't think I would be sharing this until after I wrote it. So give me a break. I know I'm not the only one that feels this way. It's honestly hard not to with everything that's being put in front of our faces. One minute i'm watching a video of this beautiful, tall, skinny, blonde haired girl explaining what she eats in a day, and the next video down is another beautiful, tall, skinny blonde haired girl telling us that everyone is beautiful.

Two things. One, there is absolutely nothing wrong with those two videos I just explained. It's just frustrating that there are so many people getting down on themselves that for every "What I eat in a day" video, there's a "You are beautiful no matter what" video. Two, it's hard to think of yourself as beautiful when you are everything different from the women you see daily. On Instagram, Magazines, Tik Tok, you name it. I realize there has always been "beauty standards" and they are always changing, but I feel like this is the most specific it has ever been. Tall, tan, skinny, blonde hair, blue eyes, long eyelashes, and trendy clothes.

Now I know there is a girl out there reading what I just described and thinking, "yeah that's pretty much the perfect human". It makes me so sad to think just one specific look, can make the rest seem less beautiful. Especially with me living in Utah where everyone and their mother looks like that, it's hard to except that I, (former brown hair, brown eyed, olive skinned, regular length eyelashes) am beautiful.

I am saying this not only to encourage others to love themselves as much as they adore others, but to keep this as a reminder and a beginning for myself to do the same. I am trying to steer away from saying things that everyone hears like: "Nobody's perfect!" and "Everyone struggles with this", because I know you have heard it a thousand times. I just want people to understand why we feel this way instead of pushing it back into our brains and never being able to overcome it.

And I know that beauty is about what's on the inside...and blah...blah...blah, that's a whole different story. I just hope that whoever is reading this takes something away from it:

Mom: I'm fine don't worry.

Dad: You're probably thinking this is coming out of nowhere but I am fine.

Girls/Women: I hope you know that whoever you are, you are beautiful no matter what you look like, all that matters is that you are comfortable and happy in your own skin.

Boys/Men: (like any of you are reading this) Be patient with us girls who are still learning to love ourselves, it's not an easy process. And be kind to all women especially when it comes to their bodies and the way they look.

One last thing I want to mention. This doesn't just apply to one category of people. Anyone can have insecurities and things they worry about. It really is different for everyone. What they don't like, who they compare themselves to, who they want to be, there are so many ways someone can feel about this issue. So whoever you are, go give yourself some love. Smile at yourself in the mirror, give yourself a compliment, take some selfies, do whatever you need to do to feel happy in your own skin. You were given it for a reason.

Sorry to get all sappy on you but I just felt like this was an appropriate time to share my thoughts:)

No matter who you are, I want you to know,

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL

Now go start believing it so my compliment can be taken, i'll be right behind ya.